we almost lost my mother twice, but she has pulled through :) her lungs finally cleared and are functioning well - also, her brain and organs stayed healthy through the process - we are very fortunate

i am home now, it was a nice ride home, part of the trip during sunset - watching the sunset over the arbuckle mountains of old which are not really more like foothills :)

my main job at my mother's house was watering her garden and feeding and caring for her pets :) it was nice to do so

it is good to be home too
well, i spent all my money for bills to make that trip, it was worth it, but i have to keep my gas and electric turned on somehow this next month :) i am sure i can do it

the trip got me thinking about moving again, i want to move to colorado so much

mohammed and i are still very much in love :) we decided we are both a little crazy lol

my mom got out of surgery and her lungs arent doing well.. bless her heart, but the surgery itself which was dangerous for many other reasons went amazingly well - she has a chance , we will see , she is up and down right now - this morning was crazy with word she is dying then word she is good then she is back to where she was yesterday, stable but not so good

Why does no one ever address the fact that everyone wants to "own" God. LOL
Lets own Jerusalem or the Holy Land so we can "own" God. Let us be gods and casts spells so we have ownership of gods by becoming one of them. Let us fight the titans and win. LOL
We are funny creatures really.

I'm living at the edge of the forest , at the border between grassland and forest. The forest is full of vines that strangle trees, mushrooms, wild critters. It is interesting so many peoples have lived in harmony in the forest. My real place of peace is at the edge of the Mountains. Mountains hold forests of their own until you get above tree line. You move between features and climate while moving on a mountain. I really love that. I wonder what it would be like to live at the edge of the pyramids and Giza. They are mountains of their own right; however there is no forest there. How far to the nearest oasis?

Mohammed was sooooooo wonderful tonight :)

mohammed came to me yesterday telling me how much he loves me, and i told him i love him too, he was talking about the house he is planning to buy
he works really hard, i guess i will cut him a break

tired , burned mohammed left overs... not nice

now he is not talking to me... i have left a few notes letting him know i am not so happy and want to be free.. i cant stand when a man is that way - let her be the one to break it off, and he gets out easy as if he played no part or had no feeling... it is the non brave way, he doesnt admit anything - reveal his feeling - i dont hide mine - i let myself open to vulnerability and speak the way i feel

i have no respect for it - a man hiding, a man letting the woman do the difficult part of breaking it off, leaving her hanging

i dont think there are brave men

I want to meet new people.. Mohammed, he is just doing his own thing, and I am no part of it.. He goes on vacations without me, and I get the tired him coming home.. I just don't buy it, I think he could have time for me if he wanted, if he were creative, if he would take me with him.. and if he's too broke to take me ... why work his ass of at that job if it doesnt pay enough? I don't buy his excuses anymore. Mohammed can take his tired self back to the ocean and burn himself up again... I am tired of getting the burnt tired Mohammed left overs.

I have had "withdrawals" from a medication I was put on that is now being changed
I wake up with night sweats and have recurring dreams,,, it will start and restart within 5 times each night... and I think I am awake in some of them... is a real mind f"
I wake shaking and sweating and try to talk myself out of the same dream again when I really do wake, but when I fall asleep, it comes again.

I know my pics arent so good lately, but it is nice to get out of the house after being in hospital 2 weeks... I am broke and have little gas to ride around, so all my pictures are literally within a block of my apartment.. (not a city block, but a little block LOL) i do my best

my mother is going to have the operation that will likely kill her in about a month
i will visit her next week
i love her so much

Mohammed is traveling for work again.. I miss him so much already.. I am very proud of him at the same time --  he works his axx off..

I can't sleep tonight.  I guess I will, since it is 4am, take one of those trazodones I told myself I would not take.  I want to be Mohammed's wife - and being such means being able to let him travel and be the man he needs to be with full  support from me.  I cried when he said he would be gone for a week -- not because I don't wish him to go --  but I just miss him so.  It wasn't a cry for him to stay, just - I love you and I crave being with you more.

I asked him to go swimming for me at the hotel as I have not been able to go yet myself.  I have gone bike riding and that was fun and good for me.  I gained a little weight at the hospital; however, with the hot weather and feeling much more active now that I have blood pressure medication, the pounds should be melting away soon.  I hope so.  I have the whitest skin right now lol.  Mohammed actually seems to like it.  He says it is like milk.  I would like to get some sun -- a golden tan.  Mohammed is so beautiful and handsome to me.  I see the beauty inside him.. the rest is just icing.  He has the most perfect manliness parts in this whole wide world :)  

Anyway, I love all of him inside and out.

yes, i am on 8 meds now... one to counter each of the other ones or do something another one wont do - rediculous yes?  well, needless to say, i dont take all of them anyway - i just own a fortune in medications right now